Zindagi... Life...

The way I feel about life these days...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_WV6HRq3SM&feature=PlayList&p=1448FB996991F5BC&index=15

This is from the Hindi movie, Masoom (Innocent).

English translation as follows:


Tujhse naraaz nahin, zindagi… hairaan hoon main… hairaan hoon main…
I am not upset with you, Life... I am astonished... I am astonished...
Tere masoom sawaalon se, pareshaan hoon main…pareshaan hoon main…
I am distressed by your innocent questions... I am distressed...
Tujhse naraaz nahin, zindagi… hairaan hoon main…
I am not upset with you, Life... I am astonished...
Tere masoom sawaalon se, pareshaan hoon main…
I am distressed by your innocent questions...

Jeene ke liye, socha hi nahin, dard sambhaalne honge…
I did not think, in order to live, I would have to take care of woes...
Jeene ke liye, socha hi nahin, dard sambhalne honge…
I did not think, in order to live, I would have to take care of woes...
Muskuraye to, muskuran ke karz utaarne honge….
(I did not think) If I smiled, I would have to take on the debt of smiling...
Muskuraoon jo kabhi… to lagta hai, jaise hoton pe karz rakhaa hai…
If I do smile, it seems, there is a debt upon my lips...

Tujhse naraaz nahin zindagi… hairaan hoon main, hairaan hoon main…
I am not upset with you, Life... I am astonished... I am astonished...

Zindagi tere gum ne hume, rishte naye samjhaye…
Life, your sorrows have taught us new bonds/relationships...
Mile jo hume, dhoop mein mile, shaoon ke thunde saaye…
Whatever cool shade we recieved, is from those we met in the sunlight...
Tujhse naraaz nahin, zindagi… hairaan hoon main…
I am not upset with you, Life... I am astonished... I am astonished...

Aaj agar, bhar aayi hai, boonde baras jayegi…
Today, if my eyes become teary, the tears will flow over...
Aaj agar bhar aayi hai, boonde baras jayegi…
Today, if my eyes become teary, the tears will flow over...
Kal kya patta, kinke liye, aankhen taras jaayegi…
Who knows whom these eyes will long for tomorrow...
Ho jaane kab gum hua, kahan khoya, ik aansoo shupa ke rakha hai...
Who knows when I lost, where I lost, the one tear I had hidden...

Tujhse naraaz nahin, zindagi… hairaan hoon main…
I am not upset with you, Life... I am astonished... I am astonished...

I hope everyone understands the depth of this song...

Baby Jeremy

Dear Jeremy,

Congratulations! I found out that you are having a baby boy... he will be named after you... Jeremy- Baby Jeremy.

I know you'll watch over him, as you do the rest of us. xoxo

To Serve And To Protect: A Dedication to Those That Do

This morning, a SWAT member was killed after a stand-off in Los Angeles, CA. In the 41-year history of the SWAT team, this was the first time an officer was killed in the line of duty. The news story can be found on the link below:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/07/us/07cnd-shoot.html?ex=1360126800&en=fd6e36ceb69cdb84&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink

I wanted to take some time to thank those that serve and protect the rest of us. These men and women put their own lives at risk, put their families, their hopes and dreams on hold- just so the rest of us have a security blanket.

In that past, I've had a couple instances where the police hasn't been helpful, out of which, one was especially disturbing. Since then, I have made a couple very good friends who are law enforcement officers. I have also learned that there will always be a sour apple in every family- whether that be a family of police officers, doctors, nurses, business, etc.

Once again... thank you for making the rest of us feel safe.

Jeremy Haywood's Memorial Ride

Jeremy's friends and fiance got together and did a "Memorial Ride" for him. I think it's absolutely amazing.

It starts off with the gang riding the same route that Jeremy rode the day he left us. The video concludes with some of Jeremy's old clips...

You may view the video at the following link:

http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=26312915

Although he did crazy things on his bike, at the time of his death, he was not pushing the limits. It was a freak accident. There was a very low chain blocking the entrance to a parking lot that he did not see. The impact snapped his neck and he died on the spot. May you rest in peace, my dear. Love you , miss you, and think of you every day xoxo

Uh uh uh...

"Don't play games with a girl that can play better." Very well said.

Year 2007 Reflections: The joys, the tragedies, the memories...

My post about 2007...

The Tragedies-

I don't think I have gone through so much loss in so little time, as the last few months of 2007. From June through December, I lost four people. I KNOW that this is nothing compared to many people... but, before June, I had only lost 2 people in my life. It almost seems as if God was compensating for the last 24 years. I try not to dwell on it- I know that all this is a part of life... and, like I said, I am so lucky compared to many others. Anyway, may they all rest in peace and know that there isn't a day that goes by when I don't think of each and every one of them.

My mom is still very sick; we found out a few days ago, that her left shoulder has permanent muscle damage; however, on the bright side- she is getting better, overall.

The Joys-

I made great friends at Morrison and Foerester, got a great job at TIBCO, and made many more friends here. My little niece, Mira, turned one! I can't believe she runs and talks (albeit baby talk).

The Memories-

* My brother moved away to college... I do miss him a LOT, but I'm so proud of him. He has turned into a responsible young adult, regardless of certain things that could have had other adverse effects.

*All the funny things that happen at work- my neighbor next to my cubicle singing Indian songs (wrong lyrics!), the dark chocolate thief that takes all the dark chocolates when I'm not at my desk, Martha nicknaming us "cube monkies".

* My favorite bday card of all time- from Babbu - I LOVE IT

* The funniest dates, the weirdest dates, and of course, the most awkward ones.

* I remember the first time Miss Mira fell in front of me and started to cry... I cried too LOL.

* Babbu and I went and saw SAW IV- I love love love it!!

* Mission WII! Jose, Anu, Babbu, and I called every store we could think of for the Wii! Anu and I going to Wal-Mart at 6:00 a.m. for the Wii!! Not only that, we got KICKED OUT of there for sneaking in too early. Who does that?!

There are so many more memories, but I don't think I have the time to write them all here.

Life threw a lot of tough lessons my way in 2007, which, like I always say, makes me the person I am today; however, once again, I am hoping for a calmer, boring, and uneventful year... let's see what happens in 2008.

"The Fake of Beauty"

I wish I had known of this video a few months ago so I could show my ex who goes goo-goo ga-ga over super models in magazines and on TV. Me, personally? I would rather have someone who looks real and has imperfections- this is what sets him apart from the rest, what makes him "him".

Anyway, check out the link below. I think it's great to share with younger girls (and boys) who think what they see in magazines and in Hollywood/Bollywood is real. No wonder the majority of people, especially our youth, have a distorted perception of what real beauty is.

Beauty that one can see is in the eye of the beholder and will depend on one's preference; it will only take you so far, for it is only skin deep; however, the beauty found within a person will take you across the finish line.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2Qxhd19EAk&mode=related&search=.com

My Daily Laugh

After reading this, I almost fell off my chair, laughing! Thanks for sharing, Martha!!

Supermodel Upset Over Hilton Dress Steal

Australian supermodel Miranda Kerr was left shattered at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show when Paris Hilton "stole" her favorite outfit.
Kerr reveals Hilton showed up 10 minutes before the show opened at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood on November 15 and decided she wanted to close the catwalk show.
Organizers told her to pick an outfit and she chose a pink dress that Kerr had been allocated.
Upset Kerr says, "I was standing by my rack and she goes, 'I want that dress,' and she pointed to my dress, my pretty pink dress, the one I was really proud of ... and she stole it."
In a post on her blog, Kerr admits she felt like hitting the heiress with her handbag, but she calmed down and let karma take care of her feelings -- in the shape of Naomi Campbell, who was another late show for the event.
She explains, "Paris is about to walk out for the finale and Naomi walks in, so they rip the dress off Paris, she's standing there naked and they put it on Naomi.
"I thought, that's karma for you, darling."

There ARE Good People in the World!

As I drove into work this morning, I heard the story of a man who stopped a potential disaster from happening.

Last night, on Golden Gate Bridge, a truck driver noticed a car that was driving unusually slow. Worried, he pulled his truck next to the car's driver's side. To his surprise, he noticed an elderly woman hunched over the steering wheel. Worried that she would crash into something or someone, he pulled up in front of her, slowed his truck down and let her hit him.

She was pronounced dead at the hospital last night. Although there is no happy ending to this story, had he not stopped her vehicle, the potential distaster could have been far worse.

I tried to look for this story online, but couldn't find it... probably is too minor compared to other stuff... but I think it's worthy of making it into the paper!

AMAZING.

Pick Up Your Dog's Poop!

It has to be one of the most frustrating things when I take Buddy and Amber out for a walk and all I see every few feet is dog shit. How rude!

Come on, people- show a little consideration for others. It takes two (2) seconds to pick up after your dog... plus, isn't it against the law to leave your doggie's doodoo on public property?

The Best Stress Busting Remedy

Take a longgg walk- whether it be by yourself, dog(s), friend- whoever. Don't spend time thinking or stressing about anything (as much as you can help it), just enjoy the walk, the weather, the scenery.

Some of my favorite Stewie Quotes

To Lois: "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get. But your life is more like a box of active grenades! Now give me back my mind controlling device, or be destroyed!"

Stewie: "......and no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you."

Marriage

I'm not married, nor have I ever been; therefore, I'm not an expert on marriage. This post is just my view and take on marriage. I'm a little late on this- a few months ago, I said I was going to write about "marriage through my eyes", but forgot about it. My memory was refreshed a few hours ago, after hearing about my cousin's engagement.

Surely you remember the extra long post about my partner in crime that was getting married. Unfortunately (actually, fortunately), that won't be happening- not to that girl. Although I'm hurt for my cousin, I also know this was a blessing in disguise. It's better to realize these things before taking the plunge, before spending all that money, before bringing them into your home, your life, your family. Afterall, that person can either make your family or break it.

At the end of the day, what goes into a marriage? Why is it so hard? Why is it so hard for two people to come together and live in peace? Why do both have to be stubborn? Marriage is a compromise; however, all anyone wants is mutual respect, honesty, and loyalty. Respect for eachother, respect for one's parents, respect for one's feelings. Good relationships- be it between parents and kids, friends, siblings, other relationships- are based on honesty and trust. It cannot be that hard. Put into it, that, which you want to get back.

No one is perfect. Real life is not a fairytale where everyone finds their soulmate. Life will not be perfect. Compromises will need to be made from both the husband and wife. Pick your battles, give eachother space. No one out there is going to be exactly what you want. Prioritize the things that are important to you.

I'm not a know-it-all... these are things that I see almost everyday between my parents, my sister and brother in law, friends that are married. If one person doesn't like something and there's a good reason behind it, don't do it! If your significant other doesn't want you dressing like a hooker, it's obviously for your own good. No guy that respects a girl wants his girl-friend or wife dressing like that. If you understand where he's coming from, don't do it. Why? If you know that you're drunk and your wife dislikes- no- hates you in that state, stop repeating the fact that you're drunk and go to sleep.

Please don't hate me because of this post. I am not acting like I know how a marriage is- after all, I have never been married; however, it seems the simplest things are blown out of proportion. Things are said and done out of anger, while in the heat of the moment- emotionally. Wouldn't issues be better resolved when one is calm and has a clear head? Words cannot be taken back.

Everyone is there for you when it's a good time in your life. Everyone wants to join with you to celebrate; however, it's those that are there through your tough times that are your true friends. That goes for life partners too. The most difficult times a human goes through (a serious illness, a death of a loved one, loss of job, etc.) can be so much easier if a husband/wife is supportive... but, if that same person isn't there during these times, it might create a gap that can never be filled.

Wouldn't everything be easier if everyone was a little- just a little- more sincere and considerate of another's feelings? Seems like a few compromises can make a world of a difference.

Anyway, everything is easier said than done. We'll see when it's my marriage and if anyone sees me contradicting anything I said, please refer me back to my blog :o)

The year my sister got married and had a baby, I had decided I was never going to get married- at least not to an Indian guy. After seeing the turmoil that my parents have been going through ever since I can remember and then seeing my brother in law and sister bicker over the silliest stuff, I had become turned off to marriage. Why would I want to give up my independance andhappiness to marriage?? What, in my right mind, would convince meof that? I am perfectly happy and satisfied being single.

As a year went by, I continued to be turned off by marriage; however, I also began to realize how important it is for my parents to see married and happy. Don't get me wrong; my parents have never pressured me to get married; never tried to set me up with anyone- none of that; however, it is every parents dream to see their children happily married. As always, I aim to please, especially my parents.

It's taken a few years, but I do think that, with the right person, a marriage can be successful and not so bad.

Holidays

Thanksgiving this year was one of the worst holidays that I have had. Why is it that the happiest days of the year, the merriest times of the year are the most stressful and upsetting? Is it an unwritten law that says every holiday has to include yelling, screaming, crying, etc.? Or is it just my family?

This Thanksgiving, I made the entire dinner by myself. I've never done this before. Come Wednesday morning, I was so excited. I went and got all the groceries a week before. Originally, all the cousins used to get together at one house and we'd all cook one dish. Last year, we got together at Jyoti's house in Newark and had Thanksgiving there. Anyway, back to this year- yelling, screaming, crying- the works. On a happier note, I think I did pretty well, considering it was my first full-on dinner for a holiday. We had turkey, ham, two cakes, chicken, stuffing, stuffed chicken breasts, mashed potatoes, rice, gravy- the works :D. No one got sick and most of the food got eaten. My anklebiter's first Thanksgiving... and she was my sous chef (the direct assistant to the executive chef)!

I've given up on the holidays for now. The harder I try, the harder I fall when things go wrong. For Christmas, I'm going to SLEEP, RELAX... and read a few good books. Not really :o) I'm still going to try and make it extra special for Princess Mira. I just won't expect anything from anyone and that way, I won't be disappointed. No expectations, no disappointments.

Workplace "How are you?"

This is sooo true! Well, not for all, but most.

Hoops and Yoyo on manners in the hallway.

http://www.hallmark.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/article1000110051/HallmarkSite/hoops_yoyohome/CC_HYY_MANNERS_SWF6

Quote of the day from Dogpile.com

I think this is hilarious. I love it.

I don't need drugs anymore, thank God. I get the same effect just by standing up real fast. - Jonathan Katz

Recent Annoyances

I usually don't let minor things get to me, but lately, my level of patience has been running low.

First off, spiders- ugh! I know that Simon said spiders are our friends, but not blackwidows (or brown widows- clear brownish spiders with a red mark underneath)! Lately, I've been finding little black widow babies and adults in our pantry and in the rooms that aren't used as often. If anyone remembers the last encounter that Jyoti and I had trying to kill a blackwidow OUTSIDE, you can imagine our reaction to finding the gremlins inside our house (we were not succesful and my brother and mom got a kick out of the whole thing). Side note: If you read anything that tells you blackwidows stay outside residences, do NOT believe it! This is a huge problem- we have three (3) babies at our house- Mira, Buddy, and Amber. If they are bitten, due to their size and weight, it can be very very dangerous. There are two that live in our sliding glass door, right by the doggy-door; once I get the spider-killer, I should be able to spray the cracks and kill them. Yes, I know - it sounds mean, but it's survival of the fittest. I wouldn't kill them if they stayed outside and out of our way.

My solutions: I've done some research and have found a product called Demon WP; it's supposed to be safe for humans and dogs, but I'll have to research some more and make sure. I have also decided to shift stuff around and create some movement every other day or so in those rooms that are unoccupied the majority of the week/month.

Second irritant, horrible drivers that think they own the road! Everybody that drives Page Mill Road in Palo Alto after work knows how long it takes to get from El Camino to 101. When you get closer to the freeway, one lane takes you to the 101 North ramp and the other will take you to 101 South, which is far less congested. The problem is that some people think they are too good to wait in line like everyone else. They drive as far as they can in the lane that takes you to 101 South and then, at the very last minute, slam their brakes and cut into the 101 North lane. UGH. Everyone does this every now and then, but it seems that more and more drivers are doing this on Page Mill- semi drivers, crotch rockets, vans, cars, etc.! It's so rude and inconsiderate. I can only give the benefit of the doubt for so long and for so many people.

Here's another: People taking things for granted and thinking their smallest woes are the end of the world. Even though I have lost someone in my life every other month, since June, I know that my sorrow isn't even close to what the families of those people are feeling. One of the deaths is my grandma, who my dad couldn't say farewell to... and I know that still haunts him. Can we all please just be thankful that we have a job, a family (with all the negatives, looney members, etc.), a car (or some mode of transporation), good health, food for our tummies, etc. My mom is very sick, but I always compare her to my friend's mom who is undergoing chemo., or friend's wife who has battled against cancer for years now, but it keeps coming back. I just have to keep reminding myself that no matter how hard my problems seem, there is always someone who has it much worse.

Last, but not least... moving back home to take care of my mom. Given some of the family history, this might not have been the smartest choice for me. It's definitely not beneficial for me. I'm starting to get the "hero" complex again and with everything else going on, it's starting to wear me down a lot sooner than it usually would. I feel guilty for going to work early and coming home late to avoid seeing my mom so sick. I try to work from home at times, but my mom can be so high maintenance... I am asked to do four (4) things at once- make lunch, laundry, clean, and do my job on top of that. I usually don't complain and I feel bad doing so, but give me a break.

I've been having 18 hour days and it's beginning to catch up. At this point, my daily routies consist of waking up at 4:30 a.m., going to work, getting off at 5 p.m., coming home, medicating mumma, dealing with the aftermath (shivering, shaking, high fever of 103+, chills, tremors, vomitting, etc.), cooking dinner, staying up at night, hearing her throw up all night, taking care of her, going to sleep for a couple of hours and beginning all over again... I have to keep chanting, "I can't fix everything for everyone," over and over again. *long sigh*

All I want is some peace and quiet for my favorite time of the year. That's all :o) I'm done venting. Carry on.

R.I.P Jeremy- you will be missed...

RIP Jeremy... We will miss you...

This morning, a former coworker/friend (Warren) emailed me and gave me the sad news that another former coworker/friend (Jeremy) passed away this past Sunday (11.04.07); motorcycle accident.

As I read the sentence over and over again, I found myself become numb. Suddenly, my head was pounding and the words, "...Jeremy... killed in a motorcycle accident on Sunday", kept replaying themselves.

Jeremy was 26 years old; one of my first friends at MoFo. He had two little kids and a fiance. I cried on my way home today. The holidays are coming up and will only make this that much more difficult.

This is to you:

Dear Jeremy,

The first time I met you, I thought you were Carl. You two looked so similar! I remember, I walked into Merril and dropped off some of the New Hire Orientation stuff that Mike wanted copied. I dropped this off with Carl, who told me to come back in about 15 minutes.

After 30 minutes, I came back and found you sitting where Carl was sitting earlier. Thinking it was the same person, I asked if my copy job was ready and you said, "Which job?" I said, "The one I dropped of 30 minutes ago. You said 15 minutes, but I gave you more time lol." You told me that no one had dropped off any copy jobs to you that morning. Hm, I was so confused. I thought you were pulling my leg; I even told you to "Shut up". A few minutes after I had gone back and forth with you on this issue, Carl walks up with the copies... Ohhhhh shit, I was so embarassed! We both got a good laugh- I apologized profusely (I'm sure my face was red- I could feel it!). To make me feel better, you told me that even your friends confuse you and Carl from a distance. *Phew*.

I remember our elevator conversations- the elevators at MoFo were so slow! You once told me that sometimes you wish you didn't have a cart and could just take the stairs.

I remember the day I found out that you grew up with Jason Coulter - you called him Coulter. We were all supposed to go out, but always postponed. Now it's too late. I'm so sorry.

I remember the day there was a hit and run at the Toll Plaza. Someone hit a motorcycle (driver passed away) and then took off. I remember you and James talking about it - how you were saying you always have to stay tuned to people/traffic around you, behind you, etc. You guys were telling eachother to be careful.

As I write this for you, tears have filled my eyes and are beginning to overflow and run down my face. Jeremy, I will NEVER forget your laugh, never forget how you were always so helpful, never forget how you used to come get candy from the "candy pail" during your mail run... NEVER forget you.

May God give your family all the strength they need to get through this; and, may God give you peace. As you look down upon us from Heaven, always know that we love you, we miss you, and we'll never forget you.

Love,
Nev

Our Boys - "Tell Me When To Go" - Jyoti and Jay's Wedding Reception 07.01.06

It was like a swarm of bees flying towards honey! In reality, it was our boys flying towards the dance floor when a song by a local DJ came on. This was at Jyoti and Jay's wedding reception on Saturday, July 1st, 2006, at the Decathlon Club, Santa Clara, CA.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DksxOhmeXMM

Don't Blink

"Don't Blink" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4ySSg4QG8g). What a great song by Kenny Chesney. I know, I know- most people don't listen to country, but if you get a chance (and can get past it being country, unlike *ahem* Erwin *ahem*), listen to this song. Listen to the lyrics. Now, tell me this song didn't touch your soul. Tell me it didn't send goosebumps down your spine. It reminds me of Gurdas Mann's song, "Pind Diyan Galiyan" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARbkrjJCqEQ). Although both songs have a different meaning, it's about life going to fast, the memories associated with your childhood, with your youth, with your loved ones.


Every 60 seconds that we spend mad at someone or something is a minute out of our life that we will never get back. Life passes by too quickly and doesn't wait for anyone. It's the little things in life that make it worthwile. It's not the type of car we drive, but who is in the car with us; it's not what we do at work, it's who we work with; it's not where we live, but who we live with and so on and so forth. Sometimes you are so upset with someone that you don't talk to them for days, even weeks. What if God never gave us the opportunity to say we're sorry to that person again? I know I'm guilty of this. I don't get mad at people easily, but when I've reached the end of my rope with someone, it's very hard for me to maintain a friendship with them. I haven't grasped the power of forgiveness. Although it takes a long time to reach this point, once I'm there, I'm unable to get past it. Hopefully, someday I'll be able to change this.



When my grandparents moved out early last year, I had thought they would move back home when they got too old to go anywhere and to take care of their daily activities themselves. They didn't. One year came and went and my grandmother passed away on August 18th. No one was with her. Papaji was in Fresno; daddy was in Canada; my mom, brother, and I were in Tracy. Papaji called the house and asked if she was in Tracy; we said no. He said no one is answering the phone at the apartment (at 10pm). I asked if he wanted me to go check and he said, no, don't drive so far in the dark. We asked him to call us as soon as he found out anything. He didn't call that night. The next morning (Sunday), my mom and I woke up pretty early. My mom called my grandpa while I was stll in the bathroom and got the news. I cannot shake that morning out of my head. I came out of the bathroom and the first thing that she said to me was, "Raju... bibi margi." I felt myself go numb and asked her what she was talking about... it was so hard to hold back the tears. She said, last night, when everyone was calling the aprtment, she was lying dead in it. I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to react. We had JUST seen her 2 days before and she was fine. She helped me give Buddy and Amber a bath, took care of my mom. She was just in my car asking where I get new Punjabi songs from. She said she listen to the punjabi radio all day long and hasn't heard some of them so I told her I'd get her all the news ones next time... but there was no next time. In the blink of an eye, she was gone. As Mr. Chesney put it, "don't blink". Don't expect there to be a "next time" to tell someone you love them, or that you're sorry, or that you miss them- what if there isn't? I'll never have that opportunity with my grandma. As evil as she was to me (and those of you that knew her know how mean), no one deserves to die alone- NO ONE. I'm having a really hard time with this. I'm really trying to get over it- it's just very hard. Knowing that someone is gone forever and you never got to say goodbye is more difficult than it sounds.

Just when you think things are getting better, life throws you a curveball

As strong as I think I am, I know I have my weaknesses. I can go through anything, but I cannot see my parents cry. I cannot see my dad hiding in the dark backyard, crying.

I'll give anything to see my dad smile again. I come to Tracy every weekend and he is in the same condition. I know everyone mourns at their own pace, but it breaks my heart to see him like this. Tonight, I found him standing in the backyard, in the darkness, just sobbing. Just when I thought he was doing ok, I find him sobbing in the dark, where he thinks no one can see or hear him. I gave him a hug and held him and then walked him inside. I try to ask him what he's thinking about, what his thoughts are, but he just shakes his head.

This is harder than it would normally would be- he didn't get to say goodbye to bibi. He was in Canada. He is, to this day, blaming himself for not being there. No matter how many times we tell him that it wouldn't have made a difference, he's not able to see past that.

I don't know if I believe in God, but if you're out there, please give my dad the strength to move on. I'd sacrifice anything to see my dad's silly side again. I'd do anything to get his confidence in life back. My dad is my hero and I can't see my hero fall apart every night.

Love...

"Love suffers long, and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.... And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love." Paul of Tarsus, 1 Corinthians 13:4 - 8 (New King James Version)

My Partner in Crime is Getting Married

Mamiji called me the other day to announce the joyous news of Gorkha's, my cousin's, upcoming engagement/wedding.

As I drove to work the next morning, I had so many memories and thoughts racing through my head. My partner in crime is getting married. Out of our age group, that only leaves my cousin, Simrin, and I that are single. Aaaah!!!!!

Gorkha has always been the one to make others smile, to make them feel welcome in a new environment. He was the one that went and greeted all 300 guests at his older brother, Goldy's wedding and reception.

In our family, we have more girls than boys. I remember when all of us were starting to grow up, my brother Babbu and Gorkha said they needed to start working out because most of their cousin are girls :o).

Gorkha was my single buddy after Goldy and Jyoti got married. He was the one that I would do spontaneous Starbucks or Jamba Juice runs with. We would leave everyone else at home and take off. I remember once, mumma and everyone were ready to leave and Gorkha and I went out for coffee and didn't return for a couple of hours. When we got back, my mom was so annoyed because she had wanted to leave Bakersfield before it got too late. These are memories I will forever cherish.

I used to cuss a lot- I mean a LOT. One day, for my 21st bday party (at home), Gorkha told me he wasn't coming. I believed him and the rest of my cousins. When Jyoti and I got home that day, Babbu told me that Buddy had a poopoo accident in front of the bathroom and told me to clean it up. I got pissed because why couldn't he do it himself? I was so mad that i said every bad word I knew. Finally, I took some paper towels and walked towards the bathroom... low and behold, Gorkha has a horrified look on his face. Holy mother of God!! I was so embarassed. Since that day, I don't think I cuss half as much. Now, it's only to be funny.

Gorkha's very creative. He thought of my nicknames such as Pasta Sauce and Raguuu. He even had our new bhabhi to be believing that my name is Ragu, not Raju. And she think he's sidha sadha?! HA! Love you :o)

He is the "Bhoo" in Bhoo...jeee...yaaaa -in reference to my mom and his relationship. I'm the "jee" and Babbu is the "yaaa".

For Jyoti's mayiaan, he did the most boliyan and the most giddha from the boys' side. He was my competition and my partner. (The boys couldn't win without me helping them!). Gorkha was one of the very FEW that did'nt let the giddha die. After Jyoti and our parents shooed us inside to go eat dinner, he was the one that came back with me to sing, "time hoya ni poora, ik boli hor pauni." The boys went at once to put vatna on Jyoti. I guess she took some of it off and Gorkha went right back up there to rub some more on. Classic.

No matter what happened, Gorkha would never get blamed. He is everyone's laadla, be it us cousins or the moms. Even I couldn't compete with him! For example, one summer when we were much younger (maybe back in 97 or 98?), we were all in Delano, at Simrin's old house. It waas summer and extremely hot so we all decided to have a water gun/water balloon fight- in the BACKYARD. It was boys against girls. Well, Gorkha decided to hide out inside house- figured the girls couldn't get them in there. After a while, we all came inside with our waterguns and balloons ready. We heard the boys and started spraying. Guess who comes around the corner? Papaji (my nanaji- mom's dad, God bless his soul) swings around the corner with his khoondi and all of us running towards him (of course this was before we realized it was him standing there). He got sooooo mad. He blamed it only on the girls- EVEN though Gorkha started it!!! But, no... can't blame him. It's true what I sent to him on his birthday last year... bhen bhravaan da tu laadla, chan varga mukh tera... tenu vekh ke asin haan jinde, aunda pyara bathera. Love you :o).

Once Goldy got married, everyone always picked on Gorkha about when he would get married. Same thing happened to me when Jyoti got married. We were a team! Either we would work as a team and defer the topic all in all... or throw eachother under the bus to keep the heat off ourselves. Good times :o).

He is also a middle child.

It's weird, whenever all the cousins would go out to dinner and a movie... it was always him and I that would pay for either dinner or the movie tickets.

One of my favorite memories is when we were at the house in Tracy. I think this was a little after Jyoti's wedding... or maybe a couple days before. Gorkha and I were sitting on the barstools and eating on the breakfast nook. Coincidentally, I had a small bowl, a smaller spoon, a shorter glass compared to Gorkha's. He went and pointed out everything such as, "Normal people's bowl, Raju size bowl; Normal people's glass, Raju size glass... etc." The funniest and most coincidental was when he saw a mini nectarine in the fruit basket and a grapefruit right next to it. He goes, raju size orange; normal people orange. LOL.

Him, Babbu, and I were the only ones who had the nerve to do the "chakki peesing and peesing" move at Jyoti's reception. I think we'll patent that move hehe.

I remember a couple years ago, he called and I told him I was studying. He asked what I was studying and I told him that I was learning about strokes. He starts to ask me quesitons and stuff about strokes. I gave my answers; however, when I asked him if I was right, his response was, "I don't know- I was just asking for fun."

When we all went to Magic Mountain a couple of years ago, it was Gorkha's and my idea to do a bhangra gesture on the roller coaster ride. We wanted to have that on the picture, but the ride was so fast that as we got closer to the camera, the force of the ride pushed our hands and head down. Next time.

He is one of three people that I know who will greet everyone and can make anyone comfortable in a new environment. He's the only person that can cheer me up when I'm down.

Another very funny memory is from Goldy's wedding reception in Bakersfield. We were all dancing. All of a sudden, the guy comes on the loud speaker and says, "we ask that everyone please take a seat. The entertainment has arrived." HUH? I looked at my cousins and yelled, but WE ARE the entertainment. We gave the "entertainers" 15 minutes and then we started creeping on the stage... slowly everyone else joined and the "entertainers" were pushed to the side. Hee hee.

Of all the times that I'm going to most miss all my cousins being together, it will be Gorkha's engagement. Although it will be one of the happiest days of my life to see my brother get engaged, then married, to his soulmate... I will miss my other cousins who will not be there due to the distance created in the past couple years, because of certain incidents. No matter what, though... it will be one of THE HAPPIEST days in my life.

What does it take?

As I looked at pictures from my nanaji's funeral, one picture stood out from the rest. My mom, mamaji, both my massi's are all hugging eachother. The only person missing is my younger mamaji. My mom and her siblings have lost touch over the years- over minor things. Some of them haven't heard eachother's voice for over 7 years. They finally reconnected after my grandfather passed. Didn't his heart ache to see his kids happy with one another? Didn't he yearn to see all of his kids before he took his last breath?

My mom hadn't seen her mom in over 4 years when she passed away. To this day, my mom has a black hole of not being able to say good bye to her mother.

This brings me to the distance my cousins have created amongst eachother. Because of past incidents, no one wants to talk to eachother. Massi's kids don't want to talk to mama's kids and vice versa. We are all we have of our extended and immediate family. Tomorrow, when we are all married and have kids, don't we want our kids to have Easter egg hunts at one house, celebrate Thanksgiving at another, and Christmas at another? Don't we want our kids to hang out, go to Macaroni Grill for their tomato soup, all of them get together and go to theme parks, the taller one picking on the shortest one?

What does it take? What will it take for all of us to come together again? I hope nothing along the lines of what caused our parents to reconnect. Think about it.

Once in a blue moon

Today, I gave in to Erwin- just this once!

To Eric, on your 40-day passing...

Dearest Eric,

As your 40 day anniversary approaches, I am in disbelief that you have been gone from our lives for so long.

I saw Gee last week and didn't quite know how to greet her, how to talk to her, how to have a conversation with her. A part of me wanted to embrace her and tell her I'm so sorry that all this has happened. The other part of me wanted to make jokes to lighten up the mood. I never figured out the "right" way.

As I approached Gee at the Cheesecake Factory, I was numb. One of my best friends was a widow now, at 36. She had lost her soulmate, her best friend. I saw a smile on her face when she saw me.

I sat down and we started talking... it was Gee, Larayne, and I. As always, we all had so much to say, so much to share with eachother. I'm sure you remember those dinners. You were so sweet, how you just sat there and listened. I'm sure you thought we were crazy- we acted like we were little high school girls. Never once did you look as if you were bored.

After about 20 minutes of catching up, I finally turned to Gee and asked her how she was honestly doing and if she was ok. She said she's ok... she's fine. She said she's ok because you aren't suffering- aren't in pain anymore. She said she saw how much you suffered your last two weeks on Earth and she was so happy that you were out of that misery and into God's loving arms. She said, had it been sudden, she would have been angry at the world, angry at God... but she's not. She is at peace. She is at peace, knowing you're with her at all times. I felt so relieved after she said this.

She is so strong and so courageous, Eric. Please ask God to give her the strength she needs to get through this hard time.

This is for your 40-day anniversary:
Dearest Eric, first and foremost... although physically you are no longer here with us, you will forever remain in our hearts. Our monthly dinners, followed by dessert and tea at the Hiroshi's are memories I will always cherish. You were the only guy that would go with us, the only one that would reply to our crazy email threads. We know you're smiling upon us from Heaven and we hope you can see just how much you are loved and missed.

Love, Nev

"Honor Killings"

I was looking at CNN's home page last Friday and came upon this article. It is about a 17 -year old girl who was dragged out of her home and stoned to death by her family members and others in BROAD DAYLIGHT. Uniformed officers were present, but did nothing to stop the "honor killing".

Thousands of "honor killings" are reported yearly, around the world. Iraq has already reported at least a dozen. Honor killings are described as stoning someone to death, due to the family member shaming the family. Dua, the girl that was murdered last month, was seen with a man of another religion. She had been blamed for converting to that religion (Sunni) and for marrying the man- she hadn't done either.

*this video is graphic, so be cautious... however, please pass this around so crimes like this aren't hidden from the world. It makes you be VERY grateful for living in the US, where women have rights.

http://www.cnn.com/video/partners/clickability/index.html?url=/video/world/2007/05/18/todd.stoning.death.cnn

Negativity and evil...

I've been disturbed since Sunday night. I have a strong gut feeling that something bad is about to happen at home. Probably a huge arguement. I know who the culprit is for my dad's mood swings and asshole behavior. Let's see how it goes when I go home tonight.

How is it possible that one person's negativity can affect so many people -if not everyone- around. Why is it that someone can work hard all day long, with a smile on their face, yet the minute one person walks in with a frown and negative attitude, it can change all that? Why would someone be so mean?

My mom worked hard all day long last Sunday. She barbequed, cooked other things, and was happy. My dad comes home with a frown on his face and doesn't even say a single word to her and goes to sleep. Why would he do that? What could mumma have possibly done to have deserved that? She asked him at least 3 times (that I heard) if she can get him chicken or steak. No answer. WTF?!

Last night I went home and asked him how his day was. He was about to say something, but then he just made a face and said, "It was ok." Why does someone have to be so dramatic? If something is bothering you, say it, for God's sake! Why are you punishing your wife for something she didn't do. She barbequed because you wanted to last week. This is the thanks that she gets?? Evil. Can't he just be nice and act like a good husband -not even good father- and give his wife the love and care that she deserves... just for a month?? I keep telling myself that it's not my marriage and I don't have to sort things out for them, but it breaks my heart to see my mom hurting.

...which brings me to tomorrow's topic: marriage through my eyes.

Diabetes Tour

www.diabetes.org/tour

Who's going to join me? We have all been affected by this disease. It runs very highly in our family. Let's support the cause. We'll create our own team. I need 4 (at least) more people. Come on!!! We have an option of 25k, 50k, or 120k... I'm sure we will all do the 25k.

When: Sunday, June 10, 2007
Where: Hewlett-Packard, 3000 Hanover Street, Palo Alto, CA

More information to be posted later.

Toodles!

Superstitions...

I think everyone believes in at least one superstition. This morning, while driving to work, I was thinking about all the superstitions I believe in... man, am I a superstitious person!! Here are the ones I can remember at the top of my head:

• If you have only one brother, you (the sister) cannot wash your hair on Thursdays; technically, "they" say you shouldn't cut your hair, drink alcohol, or eat meat on Thursdays either (this is for both men and women).
• If your right palm itches, you will get money; if your left palm itches, you will lose money.
• If you are a boy and your right eye twitches, it's good luck; if your left eye twitches, it's bad luck.
• If you are a girl and your right eye twitches, it's bad luck; if your left eye twitches, it's good luck.
• You don't burn candles during the day time- bad luck.
• If you bite your tongue, lip, cheek, etc., someone is cursing you (or talking poorly of you).
• If you're leaving your house (or any house) to go somewhere and you trip over something, you should sit down for a few minutes (get some water, etc.).
• Don't walk under a ladder.
• There is a single second in a 24-hour period, when you say or ask for something, it will come true.
• If a black cat crosses your path, either go a different route... or, wait for another car/vehicle to drive through first.
• If your shoe is upside down or on its side, turn it right side up or you'll get in trouble.
• When with friends, don't split a pole, tree, etc.... or you might split your friendship.
• Never hand a knife directly to a person; lay it on the table for them to pick up. Same goes for scissors.
• If you sneeze more than once (within a close period of time), someone is thinking of you/missing you.
• If you get the hiccups, someone is thinking of you/missing you.

I think that's it for now :o)