Don't Blink

"Don't Blink" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4ySSg4QG8g). What a great song by Kenny Chesney. I know, I know- most people don't listen to country, but if you get a chance (and can get past it being country, unlike *ahem* Erwin *ahem*), listen to this song. Listen to the lyrics. Now, tell me this song didn't touch your soul. Tell me it didn't send goosebumps down your spine. It reminds me of Gurdas Mann's song, "Pind Diyan Galiyan" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARbkrjJCqEQ). Although both songs have a different meaning, it's about life going to fast, the memories associated with your childhood, with your youth, with your loved ones.


Every 60 seconds that we spend mad at someone or something is a minute out of our life that we will never get back. Life passes by too quickly and doesn't wait for anyone. It's the little things in life that make it worthwile. It's not the type of car we drive, but who is in the car with us; it's not what we do at work, it's who we work with; it's not where we live, but who we live with and so on and so forth. Sometimes you are so upset with someone that you don't talk to them for days, even weeks. What if God never gave us the opportunity to say we're sorry to that person again? I know I'm guilty of this. I don't get mad at people easily, but when I've reached the end of my rope with someone, it's very hard for me to maintain a friendship with them. I haven't grasped the power of forgiveness. Although it takes a long time to reach this point, once I'm there, I'm unable to get past it. Hopefully, someday I'll be able to change this.



When my grandparents moved out early last year, I had thought they would move back home when they got too old to go anywhere and to take care of their daily activities themselves. They didn't. One year came and went and my grandmother passed away on August 18th. No one was with her. Papaji was in Fresno; daddy was in Canada; my mom, brother, and I were in Tracy. Papaji called the house and asked if she was in Tracy; we said no. He said no one is answering the phone at the apartment (at 10pm). I asked if he wanted me to go check and he said, no, don't drive so far in the dark. We asked him to call us as soon as he found out anything. He didn't call that night. The next morning (Sunday), my mom and I woke up pretty early. My mom called my grandpa while I was stll in the bathroom and got the news. I cannot shake that morning out of my head. I came out of the bathroom and the first thing that she said to me was, "Raju... bibi margi." I felt myself go numb and asked her what she was talking about... it was so hard to hold back the tears. She said, last night, when everyone was calling the aprtment, she was lying dead in it. I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to react. We had JUST seen her 2 days before and she was fine. She helped me give Buddy and Amber a bath, took care of my mom. She was just in my car asking where I get new Punjabi songs from. She said she listen to the punjabi radio all day long and hasn't heard some of them so I told her I'd get her all the news ones next time... but there was no next time. In the blink of an eye, she was gone. As Mr. Chesney put it, "don't blink". Don't expect there to be a "next time" to tell someone you love them, or that you're sorry, or that you miss them- what if there isn't? I'll never have that opportunity with my grandma. As evil as she was to me (and those of you that knew her know how mean), no one deserves to die alone- NO ONE. I'm having a really hard time with this. I'm really trying to get over it- it's just very hard. Knowing that someone is gone forever and you never got to say goodbye is more difficult than it sounds.

Just when you think things are getting better, life throws you a curveball

As strong as I think I am, I know I have my weaknesses. I can go through anything, but I cannot see my parents cry. I cannot see my dad hiding in the dark backyard, crying.

I'll give anything to see my dad smile again. I come to Tracy every weekend and he is in the same condition. I know everyone mourns at their own pace, but it breaks my heart to see him like this. Tonight, I found him standing in the backyard, in the darkness, just sobbing. Just when I thought he was doing ok, I find him sobbing in the dark, where he thinks no one can see or hear him. I gave him a hug and held him and then walked him inside. I try to ask him what he's thinking about, what his thoughts are, but he just shakes his head.

This is harder than it would normally would be- he didn't get to say goodbye to bibi. He was in Canada. He is, to this day, blaming himself for not being there. No matter how many times we tell him that it wouldn't have made a difference, he's not able to see past that.

I don't know if I believe in God, but if you're out there, please give my dad the strength to move on. I'd sacrifice anything to see my dad's silly side again. I'd do anything to get his confidence in life back. My dad is my hero and I can't see my hero fall apart every night.

Love...

"Love suffers long, and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.... And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love." Paul of Tarsus, 1 Corinthians 13:4 - 8 (New King James Version)