Sunday, September 16, 2007

Just when you think things are getting better, life throws you a curveball

As strong as I think I am, I know I have my weaknesses. I can go through anything, but I cannot see my parents cry. I cannot see my dad hiding in the dark backyard, crying.

I'll give anything to see my dad smile again. I come to Tracy every weekend and he is in the same condition. I know everyone mourns at their own pace, but it breaks my heart to see him like this. Tonight, I found him standing in the backyard, in the darkness, just sobbing. Just when I thought he was doing ok, I find him sobbing in the dark, where he thinks no one can see or hear him. I gave him a hug and held him and then walked him inside. I try to ask him what he's thinking about, what his thoughts are, but he just shakes his head.

This is harder than it would normally would be- he didn't get to say goodbye to bibi. He was in Canada. He is, to this day, blaming himself for not being there. No matter how many times we tell him that it wouldn't have made a difference, he's not able to see past that.

I don't know if I believe in God, but if you're out there, please give my dad the strength to move on. I'd sacrifice anything to see my dad's silly side again. I'd do anything to get his confidence in life back. My dad is my hero and I can't see my hero fall apart every night.

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